Making changes and goals

Todd and I are making some goals for changing, and I thought I'd share the process, if you want to make some personal or family goals yourself.

First, write the general goal (for example, "being on time/ not being late")

Next, answer the following questions as a couple or as a family (even if it's a personal goal, you can see how you changing something would affect the family) for each goal that you make:
1. Why do we need to change this problem? What and who suffers because of this problem? What is life like with this problem the wat it is now? Short term and long term consequences if it stays the way it is now:
2. What do you think would be different if we didn't have this problem? What would it be like if we were already perfect at this problem? short term and long term consequences if it changes to the way we want it to be:
3. What issues do we have that have created the problem in regarding how we approach the problem? Why are we having this problem?
4. What types of things do we need to do differently regarding how we approach the problem?

Then, write down the details and baby steps in reaching the goal. (For example, This week's goal: Sat. night set out the family's church clothes and shoes and take showers; set an alarm for 7am; so we can be to church on time.)

Then post the general goal with the answers underneath it and then the week's goals somewhere where you'll see it often, like the fridge or door or something. That way when your motivation starts to wain, you can look at it and remind yourself why you are doing it.

In my book, it said not to give up too soon. It takes a while to develop a new habit and kick the old habit. It will be hard, so don't give up and then say, "See, I tried and failed (again)." You'll have set backs, but just keep trying and readjusting your baby step goals. For example, if you hate cleaning the bathrooms, your week's goal is not "cleaning the bathrooms", it could be "wipe down the toilet seat". Then the next goal could be "wipe down the whole toilet in one bathroom." Break things down into really baby steps if you need to.

Each week, review your goal by giving yourself a score (or something) and write it down: "I was on time to everything except my dr's appointment. score 9." Take note of things that have improved and those that are still problematic. Review baby steps and all that good stuff.

One great thing the book said about avoiding:
If you find yourself avoiding something, first realize that you are avoiding, then stop and think about it. In the book it says, "Negative thoughts about a situation make a person avoid the situation because they 1. feel worse and 2. expect the outcome of the situation to be negative. Avoidance can lead to more anxiety, restlessness, and perhaps irritability or depression; the task doesn't get done, and the person feels even worse about it." Usually it's not as bad as we think it's going to be once we do it anyway.

Here's a chart to fill out when you find you are avoiding, with an exmple. After filling out the chart, just make yourself do whatever it is you are avoiding by breaking it down into baby steps. (as in the cleaning the bathrooms example)
time and situation:
At home, thinking about doing my taxes
Automatic thoughts:
This is going to be so much work.
I am never going to find everything I need to.
I am going to get audited.
I am going to end up having to pay so much money.
Mood and intensity:
I feel overwhelmed (8 out of 10)
I feel anxious (7.5)
I feel frustrated (8)
Thinking errors:
Jumping to conclusions
catastrophizing
fortune telling

They have a whole page on thinking errors. In my classes in grad school, I thought learning about thinking errors was one thing that was really really helpful for me. If you want to learn more about thinking errors (and you should), I can email you my list or you can google search thinking errors.

Good luck to us and you!

ADHD medicine

I went to the dr. today to get some medicine for ADHD. I thought it would be a long drawn out process, but the dr. came in and said, "So, do you have ADHD?" I said yes. I told him I've read books about it, and that I was a school counselor so I know about it. I haven't wanted to do medicine until now, because now it's at the point where I can't do 4 kids and homeschool and be the kind of mom and wife I want to be without making some changes. He said, "Do you have a medicine you want to start with?" I said Adderall XR. I said I wanted to start on a low dose. He said he usually starts at 20mg which is about a medium. I said I'll start out at 15mg and come back in a week. He said ok and gave me the prescription. Cool! I went straight to the pharmacy and got the medicine. I took the medicine at 12:22 and it's now 4:24 and I have noticed a huge difference so far. First, my mind doesn't feel like a tornado. I feel calm and focused. Second, I don't feel overwhelmed. I feel calm and feel able to handle things. I am able to concentrate and focus. I was doing something and I got a text from Todd to check my email about something exciting, but I was able to not get distracted and wait until I was done with what I was working on before I checked my email. (More about that email later). I was reading and I was noticing a huge difference in my ability to focus and absorb what I was reading. Before today, I would have to read something over and over again to absorb it. I also feel more patient. I interrupt people because I am too impatient to wait for them to finish what they are saying, but when I was talking on the phone, I felt so much more in control and able to be patient and not interrupt! I feel so much more in control= less impulsive. And this is only a low dose, and the first few hours!! I have been taking medicine for anxiety and depression, which is often a misdiagnosis for ADHD (but can also coexist with ADHD) and after a few hours of taking this medicine, I'm thinking that I don't have anxiety and depression, just ADHD. I thought I'd feel side affects (one good side affect though is appetite suppresion) but I don't feel any. I know this isn't a magic pill that will fix all of my weaknesses, though, but I need this in order to make my efforts successful. Taking medicine, along with exercising and doing the strategies I'm reading about in the ADHD book will hopefully make things a TON better for me and my family. One bad thing about this medicine, though, is that I can't nurse anymore. I do think that the benefits to all of my family is worth it, though. I do feel bad that I can't nurse, I've nursed all of my kids, but at least I could nurse her for her first 7 weeks. I know nursing is important, but only me and my family know our situation and can weigh out the pros and cons. I'm worried about people giving me guilt about not nursing.
I will post about Todd's email later, because I have to do a lot of backed-up cleaning and other things!

fathers day on the patio

Father's Day dinner on the patio. The beautiful roses are from the climbing rose out front. It's got beautiful roses all over it and it smells so good!

I think Katherine is hungry. She climbed in her chair and lifted her plate and said, "Eat!"
Happy Father's Day, Todd! Sorry you had to make your own dinner. Thanks so much for making such a yummy dinner! You are the best husband and dad in the world. Thanks for putting up with me. I love you so much! ...and thanks for my back yard:)!!!!

pics

After paying a $200 library fine (it was $250, but they only charged us $200), we are going to the library again. This is one of the books Nathan picked out:

Abbie at the park sleeping:
I tried curling Katherine's hair a bit with the flat iron and cut the back just a bit so it would be even (she has pink eye today in one eye):

bridge

I got a little bridge for the kids to walk on to go from the patio to the sandbox:

I'll write a post update later. I have a fussy baby.

Pictures

The cute boys with brownie mix on their faces:
Alex is so good with Abbie:

Katherine is so cute with her baby sister. She always holds her hand:

Alex and Nathan have been reading a ton. They like to read the Treehouse books and then do activities that have to do with the book they read:

Abbie sleeping with her bum in the air:

Abbie awake and cute!

ADD

Well, I decided that what I needed to do was to do something about my ADD that I found out I had just before getting pregnant with Abbie. So, I have 5 books that I am going to read to help me, and I'm going to see about getting on some medicine. The 5 books:
The Ultimate Career (aka the guide to housekeeping for dummies)
The Parenting Breakthrough (aka the guide to how to have your kids help you with housekeeping for dummies)
Get Organized with Heloise (book my mom gave me)
Mastering Your Adult ADHD (a cognitive behavioral workbook)
More Attention, Less Deficit: Success Strategies for Adults with ADHD

frustrated

I am frustrated that I'm not being the kind of mom that I want to be. I'm not giving the boys enough attention, I want to do homeschooling really well, etc. etc. I am "scattered" and everything is chaos, and I don't keep my house clean, and this is not the kind of mother I want to be. I don't even know how to change. I don't want to have any regrets when my kids are grown about the kind of mother I am. How do I be the kind of mother I want to be???

Our new yard pictures!

Our yard is in!!!! Thank you so much Todd!!!!!! I'm so happy!!!

Front yard from the window:
back yard from the window:

back yard from the window. Where the puddle is, is where the playhouse will be:

Us eating on our patio for the first time (sans grass):

front yard (with caution tape around it to keep out kids and neighborhood dogs):

front planter bed. I need to add mulch and path lights we have in the garage. I put in a bunch of little perennials so hopefully in a few years this will have all grown in. I planted climbing roses under the columns:

back yard flagstone patio. i put groundcover plants in between the flagstones, hopefully they will grow between the stones. The patio is all dirty right now. There is a flagstone pathway that goes from that circle patio in the corner (future swinging bench) to the sandbox on the side of the house:

I LOVE the lamp posts! It looks so pretty at night. All the dirt is where I will add: a hedge around the fence, shade trees, bushes and flowers.

the patio:

The steps from the house to the patio are stone:

The first tree we have in the back yard:

I planted climbing vines to cover the ugly siding on the house:

There's an outlet on the right for a water fountain or little stream in the future:

In the front on the side, there is a little flower bed (here is a climbing rose) and a path that goes along the side of the house to the backyard:

The path that goes to the back yard. Future sight of bushes, trees and flowers:

update

We are having some yard work done and it's almost finished! I'll post pictures next week when it's done. I am so excited! I have been planning/obsessing over the backyard plans for 3 or 4 years now and it's finally being realized! It's fun to see what the plans I've had on paper look like in real life. It won't be ALL done, but we'll have the foundation done. This year we got 48 cubic yards of dirt ( A LOT of dirt), PLUS 6 cubic yards of garden dirt for the front, flowers for the front, sprinklers, a patio and walkways, electrical work, post lights and grass. I've been telling Todd thank you VERY much for my dream yard!! He's been working really hard on extra jobs so we could do this. He is so so nice to do this for me!! It's going to look so nice!

I don't think things with the kids are getting any easier, but I am getting more used to it. Katherine isn't having as many meltdowns, but Abbie is getting fussy a lot. I think she might be cholicky. However, I am loving having all of my kids here, and I have the perfect family: a wonderful husband, and 2 sweet boys and 2 cute girls. I am THE luckiest girl in the world! I almost had a heart attack yesterday because I was thinking about trees for the back yard, and thinking that in about 10 years they would be big and shady, and then I realized that Alex will be EIGHTEEN in 10 years, and heading off to college! I thought kids were kids for longer! Next year he'll be 9, and that's half way to being grown up! I only have 10 years to read him lots of books, play with him and teach him everything I want to! 10 years ago Todd and I got married, and that didn't seem like that long ago. I better spend more time with my kids...and buy bigger trees.