Today I am feeling like a failure. I tend to see things as either "it's perfect for how I want it" or "I'm a failure". I spend too much money and Todd gets mad at me, I'm not doing school lately, I try and loose weight and I gain weight, I'm a flake, I've been trying hard to keep the house clean and it's still a mess. I'm frustrated with myself. I cry to Todd (poor Todd-he's a good husband).
Then I remember what I learned in school (for being a school counselor). Black and white thinking and catastrophizing, irriational beliefs- it's something I see my kids do and I try and teach them a healthier way of thinking. Sometimes if Nathan gets in trouble he gets sad and says "everybody hates me!" This is catastrophizing.
Here are some examples of irrational beliefs of parents that are in one of my old textbooks:
1. I must be a perfect parent and always know the right thing to do in every situation.
2. Parenting should be fun all the time.
3. I cannot stand it if others criticize my parenting.
4. My children
make me angry, depressed and anxious.
5. If my children do not turn out the way I think they should, then I am a failure.
Here are examples of kinds of negative self talk from Dr. Phil's Ultimate Weight Loss Solution book, with my thoughts in ()
Right Thinking Responses to Negative Self-Talk:
A.Type of self talk/B. self defeating thinking/C. right thinking
A. externalizing/internalizing (blaming others or the environment instead of owning the responsibility) B. My family is conspiring to keep me fat C. Losing weight is within my control.
A. labeling B. I'm a loser. I'm a failure. C. Replace these thoughts with descriptions that are positive and accurately reflect who you are and what you stand for. Instead of a confining label, describe yourself positively, but always realistically. (In our family, we use the saying, "mistakes are for learning")
A. frustration thinking B. I'm so overwhelmed. I can't do it. C. As long as I continue working on my weight, I'll achieve a (healthy body/loose weight, just maybe not as much or when you want)
A. All or nothing thinking (I'm very guilty of this) B. I've missed too many exercise classes. I'll just quit. (I'm not loosing as much as I want/ ate too much, I'll just quit). C. Quitting will get me nowhere. I'll analyze my schedule and make exercise a priority.
A. Catastrophizing B. I've gained weight and it's terrible C. I'll review my week and see where I can improve. Since starting thi program, I've lost 20 pounds.
A. Pipe Dreaming ( unrealistic goals) B. I'm going to loose 5 pounds this week. C. I'll stick to my program, a day at a time. Whatever I lose will be positive.
A. Gut level reasoning (you feel that way, so it must be true) (B. I feel like a failure/horrible person/horrible parent, so obviously I am C. Look at what I have done right: X, Y, Z.)
A. Poor me thinking B. I can't have fun anymore. C. Not true. The fitter I get, the more fun I have, and the more activities I can participate in.
A. Self Drowning (coming down on yourself, putting yourself down)
-Dr. Phil says: Understand that much of this dialogue, in which you put yourself down so persistently and destructively, has been told to you by others in your life. It may be that your parents, partner, etc. etc.....
...You've got to acknowledge that this (is) happening in your own mind, and blow the whistle on it (stop it and then change it). Only then will you have the power to chnge these highly destructive internal responses.
I used to think that saying things like that were saying that my behaviors were "ok". Now I see that negative self talk is destructive and positive self talk is constructive. Negative self talk does not get you to try harder. Positive self talk says, "I'm not perfect, it's ok to make mistakes if you learn from them, now be a problem solver instead of a whiner and let's see how we can do better." Negative self talk says, "I'm not where I should be, so I'm a failure," and positive self talk says, "I'm not where I should be, so let's evaluate things to see what I need to do to make baby steps in the right direction." I also used to have a problem with positive self talk because I didn't feel it was acurate. If someone just died, I didn't want to tell myself: "i feel happy". Now I've learned to find the right positive self talk: "I'm sad right now, but eventually I will get through this and I will be ok." Saying OK is better for me than "happy", and it acknowledges how I feel now, but gives me hope.
To teach my kids this, I think I should remember to not dwell on the kids' mistakes and help them see that mistakes are for learning; and help them see how far they've come instead of seeing each setback as a failure. I also need to be better with others, more patient. I'm not perfect (even if I want or expect myself to be-irrational thinking), so I shouldn't expect others to be. Todd is a perfect example of this-- he is SO patient with me!! Thanks Todd!!!!!
Change:
I spend too much money and Todd gets mad at me: Mistakes are for learning; start anew; I've gotten a lot better, intead of whining be a problem solver.
I'm not doing school lately: some break are ok, get off Blogger and start doing school!
I try and loose weight and I gain weight: maybe the scale was off last week, excersing and trying to eat healthy is good and I'll eventually loose weight, even if it's not how much I want, when I want so that I can win the Biggest Loser, I can be motivated to try harder next week
I'm a flake: yes, this is true. hmmm.... a hard one. try harder, be patient with yourself, don't set yourself up for failure- be realistic
I've been trying hard to keep the house clean and it's still a mess- it's not spotless or even where i want it to be, but it's much improved. so my efforts have paid off, even though it's not where I think it should be.
I'm a failure: I'm human, I will make mistakes. Start over, keep going in the right direction.
I still feel frustrated, but I feel much better already. Eventually it will get easier and I'll start to believe it.
Update: What is it?? I just read another post like this one, definitely worth reading:
http://kellymccaleb.typepad.com/my_happy_little_life/2009/05/some-days-its-target-popcorn-some-days-its-lessons-from-heaven.html
